so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
just found out that she named her cat after me.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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