omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
