I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
