I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
