So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
