Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
