i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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