My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
