Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
