when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
