I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
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