Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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