You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
