The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
