brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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