I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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