Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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