Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
