Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just blew my weed a kiss
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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