Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
