Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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