I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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