and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
