every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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