I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
