tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
