i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
