Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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