Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
