Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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