you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
