i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
