I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
