So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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