what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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