Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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