Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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