Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
