Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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