So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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