He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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