I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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