R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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