you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
