remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
