Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
