I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
