He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
