Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
