GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
