If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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